Same as it ever was

It's the event we look forward to all year. And already, so quickly, its been and gone for another twelve months.

It was the same as it ever was, our lakeside cabanas all in a row, the practical jokes and story telling, the grazing and lazy afternoons but somehow, to me, it felt different. 

Amanda is home, there was a new baby to cuddle and most of the great grandkids are older and move as a mini-posse of witches and fairies and princesses these days, it's great to watch. But there was something else. A number of us arrived with heavy hearts, weary bodies and minds, worn down by life's ups and downs, but this year there was a unity and togetherness that has been muted since we lost Grandpa three years ago. It'll never be the same without him, it still hurts desperately, but we're healing. And we're at our best together.

I reckon he'd have been especially proud of us all this year, his family.

The movie we made for Nana's 80th came together beautifully. Here are some final pictures from the archives. These photos have been such a gift, I have LOVED poring over the details and hearing the stories behind them.

My Great, Great Grandparents Lavinia and Nimmo on the front porch of their house in country NSW.

My Great Grandparents, known to everyone as Ma & Pa. She looks so angelic,
I LOVE her delicate fresh flower crown.

THIS is the Ma everyone remembers, she loved a drink and a smoke. She was a larrikin and practical joker.

My beloved Grandparents, Dennis and Joan, looking HANDSOME as ever.

My Dad as a ceee-ute baby! He'll kill me for posting this but just look at that big black curl!

Belinda x

Life Music

Ask any of my family or old timer friends to name my all time favourite band, they would all tell you without hesitation, Arrested Development. 

I was obsessed. I drew their AD band logo on all my schoolbooks, on my hands like a jailbird tattoo (engraved it on a few school desks too if I'm really honest!)  When 'Revolution' was released, I recorded it off the American Top 40 radio show that was broadcast in Sydney on Sundays and made each of my friends listen to it on my walkman on the bus to school the next morning. My family were the ones who had to put up with my obsession the most though, I would watch the Arrested Development documentary on video after school every day for months. Literally, EVERY SINGLE DAY. I also remember a particular family holiday to Adelaide where I held my tape-player 'ghetto blaster' on my lap for the two days it took to drive from Sydney, and I played Arrested Development just about the entire trip. Occasionally the odd Bob Marley album was thrown in the mix for good measure or when I felt in a good mood, I'd let my brother play one of his Run DMC or Michael Jackson tapes. My brother and sister know just about every word to every song, AD are just as much a part of their growing up as mine.

Arrested Development's brand of hip hop, and themes of love, equality, standing up for what you believe in and being thankful for what you've got, really hit a nerve with me as an awkward, shy teenager. I never felt as cool or as pretty as any of my friends, I felt different and gave myself such a hard time about it. Looking back I'm sure most of us felt exactly the same way, but at the time I felt completely alone in it. Arrested Development lifted me out of my head and gave me something so positive to hang onto. They called it 'Life Music' and it made an enormous impact on me. I loved deeply their music and what they had to say.

This week, my sister, my husband and I caught a ferry over to Cockatoo Island in Sydney Harbour for Arrested Development's 20th Anniversary show.  Needless to say, WE. HAD. THE. BEST.TIME.

Belinda x

Back together again

It has been years since all of us have been in the same place at the same time.

Today, we shared the most beautiful, relaxed afternoon together in the sunshine.

These people, are my people.

My heart is full.

Belinda x

Three years in the life of...

This trying for a baby thing is simply that. Trying.  

It's a roller coaster that we seem to be forever stuck on. Around again we go, shaken from left to right, highs, lows, over and over. 

Most days, buoyed by love and support from friends, family, my husband, there is hope. We have fantastic medical support from the most professional and capable team. Life is good and I feel strong.

There are some days though, it's just too hard. It's just not fair. I go through the motions, talking to colleagues, friends, family. Talking about things other than the things I want to scream and cry about. Some days it feels like I have to stay numb and out of my body, just to make it through.

No answers, no reasons to lay blame, just three years, four miscarriages, countless tests and treatments. I dont know how some women can keep at it, enduring more than I have, and keep hoping for a miracle. I dont know how I am. I dont know if I can continue to. All I know for now is, I'm not ready to give up.

I'm so lucky to be going through this with my great love. I know it's just as heartbreaking for him. Yet, on the days he sees me struggling, he does the smallest things to show that he gets it. Like doing the grocery shopping (which he hates more than most things) cooking dinner, bringing me cups of tea, making sure the cupboard is stocked with tim tams, turning my electric blanket on early (which I always forget to do)....the littlest things, that mean the most. Sending little signals to remind me that he understands and he's in this with me.

Maybe one day I'll write more about our journey. I dont feel brave enough right now. It's so incredibly personal. But ladies like Mia and Eden, have inspired me to share my experience. It's personal and it's hard to talk about but it's certainly nothing I'm ashamed of.

It reminds me of a line out of "3 years, 5 months & 2 days in the life of..." the video released by Arrested Development in 1992 about the making their album of the same name.  Lead singer, Speech, talks about the process of songwriting "there's something about putting your pains on wax, it stays there.."  

I've gained some some clarity and calm in writing and sharing this much.

A heavy topic, I know. It's where I'm at. I'm hoping you'll understand. And maybe you'll keep your fingers crossed for us.

Belinda x

Mother

Missed my beautiful Mumma yesterday. I think this was our first ever mothers day apart.  Don't feel too bad for us though, she's in the middle of the holiday of a lifetime with Dad, they'll be sailing into the heart of Santorini (Greece) right about now. Lucky ducks!

I'm really blessed to have this lady as my mother.  Inspiring women are commonplace in my life, but Mum, she's at the top of my list.

She's taught me everything I know, especially about who I am to others. She's been there for me through everything.  She is so thoughtful, kind hearted, generous and has such a strength and fire in her soul.

Amongst her many achievements, my mum was ranked the #1 Australian deaf female tennis player for a number of years, she represented Australia in a few international tournaments - including the Deaf Olympic Games.  Yeah, she's pretty awesome!

There have been many times over the years when people have asked me what it was like growing up with Deaf parents.  I'm beyond proud, I'm so lucky.  The deaf culture has enriched our lives and is a fundamental part of who we are.  But ultimately I'm lucky because my folks are amazing people, being hearing or deaf doesn't come into it.

What a handsome couple!

My mum and I, we cry easily and worry too much, we're gullible, we're creative and you wont need to ask us twice to go all out for a fancy dress party, we're huge dags and we live for each other and those we love.

Thanks Mum, for everything. You rock the suburbs and I love you the world.

Belinda x

Celebrations

The best thing about birthdays is the excuse to spend time with family & friends.  And cake.

Meet my gorgeous friend Mel.

We met in our first year of high school. 

Her locker was covered in Guns n Roses & Poison, mine in Kylie Minogue and Craig McLachlan (*cringe* well, it was 1989!!) - and although we were worlds apart when we met, we've been friends ever since.

I'm the lanky one on the left with the bad hair and teeth.  Can you spot super cool Mel?!

As it turned out, our birthdays are 4 days apart, and it's become tradition to celebrate together.

Channelling our '80's idols. Mel = Madonna, Me = Danni Minogue.

Surprised each other with choice head ware  gifts this year :-)

I love our birthday tradition.  I love sharing my life with this girl. Theres ALOT of history and she's been there with me every step of the way. Countless times over the years, we have laughed, cried, danced - girl can busta move let me tell you!

She makes me feel very lucky. And, like she said to me recently, you gotta cherish what ya got.
I do Mel, Happy Birthday my darling friend!!

Belinda x

Beloved

Music: Booka Shade; Around You (Quiet).

Every day, I'm glad you're in it with me.

For you husband.

Belinda x

It's so easy here with you

A twilight stroll to the beach

BBQ ribs and asparagus panzanella by candle light

House hunting

The Spit to Manly Scenic Walk (8kms)

Manly in our sights

Weekends that start without any plans are the best arnt they!
Hope yours was wonderful :-)
Belinda x