Tuesday 10 July 2012

Three years in the life of...

This trying for a baby thing is simply that. Trying.  

It's a roller coaster that we seem to be forever stuck on. Around again we go, shaken from left to right, highs, lows, over and over. 

Most days, buoyed by love and support from friends, family, my husband, there is hope. We have fantastic medical support from the most professional and capable team. Life is good and I feel strong.

There are some days though, it's just too hard. It's just not fair. I go through the motions, talking to colleagues, friends, family. Talking about things other than the things I want to scream and cry about. Some days it feels like I have to stay numb and out of my body, just to make it through.

No answers, no reasons to lay blame, just three years, four miscarriages, countless tests and treatments. I dont know how some women can keep at it, enduring more than I have, and keep hoping for a miracle. I dont know how I am. I dont know if I can continue to. All I know for now is, I'm not ready to give up.

I'm so lucky to be going through this with my great love. I know it's just as heartbreaking for him. Yet, on the days he sees me struggling, he does the smallest things to show that he gets it. Like doing the grocery shopping (which he hates more than most things) cooking dinner, bringing me cups of tea, making sure the cupboard is stocked with tim tams, turning my electric blanket on early (which I always forget to do)....the littlest things, that mean the most. Sending little signals to remind me that he understands and he's in this with me.

Maybe one day I'll write more about our journey. I dont feel brave enough right now. It's so incredibly personal. But ladies like Mia and Eden, have inspired me to share my experience. It's personal and it's hard to talk about but it's certainly nothing I'm ashamed of.

It reminds me of a line out of "3 years, 5 months & 2 days in the life of..." the video released by Arrested Development in 1992 about the making their album of the same name.  Lead singer, Speech, talks about the process of songwriting "there's something about putting your pains on wax, it stays there.."  

I've gained some some clarity and calm in writing and sharing this much.

A heavy topic, I know. It's where I'm at. I'm hoping you'll understand. And maybe you'll keep your fingers crossed for us.

Belinda x


  1. Ah darlin, it's so hard isn't it. I feel so much for you right now. I remember us chatting on the phone a couple of years ago now(??) and you mentioning you were trying. I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriages. I remember mine like it was only yesterday. I have all fingers and toes crossed for you. xxx

    1. Yes I remember that call :-) I'm very glad to still have your friendship after all these years. Thanks so much hon xx

  2. I'm not going to pretend to understand what you're going through but am always here with open ears and open arms when you do want to scream and cry or even just sit & say nothing at all. You're right, it's not bloody fair but don't give up hope and know that our fingers are always crossed for you.
    Sarah xx

    1. I know you are sweetheart and I really, really appreciate it xx

  3. sounds like we have many of the same feelings only for different reasons. hope is good though...stick with that one and keep your chin up. x

  4. Remember this quote... "It’s not who you are underneath, it’s what you do that defines you"

  5. Oh Belinda, I had no idea you've been facing such huge struggles and challenges the last couple of years.
    You seem so positive and happy despite these obstacles.... a real testament to your character. My fingers and toes are crossed for you becoming a mother, whether it be natural, IVF or adoption... I'm sure you will make a wonderful mother (and you're really already playing a big part of that role!). Much love xxx

  6. I could have written this post. You are I share the same story.

  7. I love you. stay strong beautiful one. (i know im a little late. catching up on everything). xxx


Thanks for your comment, so nice to hear from you. Belinda x

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